Aneha.

Your east North eyes, your hair,
You made me study you.

In denial.

Epiphany.

Where are you?

Little talks.

Why don't you whisper your languages, as frail as your will.
I miss our little talks,

I miss you.

Pacifist.

I'm on writer marathon. I can build up thousands of word just to describe how you feeling. There is no romance in me. That's the truth. You know, it's always funny thing, but you'll never listen. No need to take no Sherlock Holmes, act like ding-a-dong. Tell them if you like. It's ok to carry on that way. You let me go, but you'll never go.

Over there was a friend of mine. I know him for a long long time. Now it's not in the same way. Oh no, you'll never understand. How can people understand. No one understand. Why should they understand. No they won't understand. You can never be surprise. You can put a reason. No not in the same way.

You set me up, entertain me.

I wish you stop ignoring me. Cold at the night. I don't know what you looking for. I don't want to hear you, echo through the air. Dashing for the halt, exit, I don't want hear you, you know. I'm sure that's pretty far. Yeah, I can tell you all my problem. You get on your dancing shoes, get out from my car. You seen your future bright and absurd. You waiting. I am the only reason why you came. So afraid no more. Keep pretending to dance.

It's impolite. I mentioned your name. You read about me. What you scared for?

Get on your dancing shoes, you little swine. They will look for you. You race to your future. Crafted by lies and dirty ambitions. How the feeling races, to form expression in your face. Heartbeat at it's peak. I'm talking to you, you little swine. It's getting on top of me. You are drowning in denial, doing your best trick. Never again, quite as desirable as you. Stupid faces.

What is so funny? I don't think you are special. I can see through your fake. What do you know? Oh you know nothing. They will still take you home. You don't look the same. You had forgot my name, but I knew you are wrong. What do you know? You know nothing. But I still take you home. Fancy you in fashion, in your branded shoes and hooded. But you know nothing. Perhaps this the one she should avoid.

I'll end it.

Runaway for the laugh. With me with the mountain peak as our view. Where no one can catch me and you. You don't look old enough to me. Nobody told you anything, why the sun is up and the stars is lining for you. You don't know anything, but you so care less. I adore you, no way I could win and take it to the chin.  Only you the one who knew. I'll act like silly little boy, but you still love me. I still owe you everything. Put the gun in my mouth. Kill me.

This is the end. The way it should be.

This way or no way, made example of you, and you realize it's finally the time. Look for another move, the other lap. Secretly, they want all to kick off. Put it down to faith.

This town is different town today, with black keyboard, staring at the empty notes and sketches. I got too deep.

Thinking how can I be better?

Because I have all the times in the world.

I want to write you an empty song,
I want to write you a poem and write your name on it,
I want to take those pieces and build those skywards,

I want to write something so that you can never forget,
I want you to know that I am mellow today,
I want you to know that I have missed you,

I want to start to believe, I want to saviour life,
I've forgotten how good it could be to feel alive,

Because I have all the times in the world,
and you are alone and faking your happiness.
I can fill those void. I can fill with this emotions.
Because I have all correct words in the world.

Machines.

You are a liar,
You are a liar,
You are not happy,
You never happy.

You are a liar,
You are not happy.

This is not a plea,
But when you grow old, and when you look at those mirror,
You'll see me.

And that will make me happy.

It'll be easier that way, like pouring rain, the ashes and the dirts, the silver plates, the drugs and the starry nights.

I don't want to be, what I saw in him, in the dream, in the shelf.
He wasn't find anybody when he was in the shelf.

Well if we take all the dreams and take them apart,
Pray and hope it turns out to seeds, to roots and then grass,
Or if the sky opened up, and the rain start pouring down,
Like He knew it was time to start things over again?

Springs bloom but I'm not ready to go.

So, here we are.

"No man is an island, for this I know."

You are such a mess.

Come on now sleep.

You.

You're an aimless ghost, try to break your parent's pattern. The closest thing to get to you is via the songs I choose for the rainy day. We choose to keep our teenage tragedy, your memory is so distant you almost forgot who I was. We lost the thrills along the way, I lost my ambition. The wolf messed with our vision. Hold on to the one you love, he is sitting in your kitchen. While you sleep tonight, I write a poem. Sail to me, touch me now. Sail to me now, prove me everything. Sail to me so I can love you. Sail to me now so I can hate you. Don't fall asleep.Take what you love and burn it down. Burn it now.

Well, i wrote your name and burn it. I see the color of the flame, the spectrums and the youth that we eat away. We waste so much of our times being with someone else, when clearly we are both messed up and made for each other.

Come on now sleep, put me to the dream(s). Rip my soul away. I'm so corrupted, to sum up my whole life,without you. Lazy bones and empty dreams to follow through. We are dry like dust when we are young. Play tender like your lover, whom you sleep with. Play tender like babies in the rug. I know you're busy but please visit me will you? Find your will and follow through. Hold on to the thrills. What we invented I am now ended. No, not you. I'm not asking you to believe. I'll be dead before you know well enough. Before you put the gun in my mouth. There is an east swell coming from the stack of darkest memories of my life. It is ruined. It just so hard to fight the demon off. When I'm dead write about me and don't get bored.

Come on now sleep.

Ghost of you.

Good if you finally found me,

I have been here all along, with the ghost of you,

All my life I stood by, and sketching this while you and everyone else around us is moving, 

Can't you see, what you've meant to me? Can't you see, what you've made me?

Ah, the pain and the wound.

If.

If I can just raise my middle finger to the whole world, life would be much easier. Fuck you. And if writing this could stop me from feeling what I felt, life would be much easier. Life would be much more easier if I don't have anything to prove for, nothing to achieve and no responsibilities towards any achievement in life. I would rather spend my family cash on weeds, sex and rock and roll. Fuck life, why so many voices teaches me so many things I don't want to know? Fuck life. Fuck misery.

I envy you, motherfucker royalties, son of bastards. You don't have to try so hard in life because you had more than enough for you and you don't have anything to prove. Fuck you can have so many things without any guilt of having it because you don't have anything to worry or anything to prove for. Fuck you and your life. I am your humble servant.

Everyone in this world can fuck themselves.

I have a good heart, I still believe in it. It just what I need to brace the fucktard world. So until then, just raise your fingers to the world.

Darkest bloom.

I run out of touch, ideas and common sense,
I'm old and dull, I'm wounded and never heal,
All I hear is noisy stream of my torn vague heartbeat,
Stood still, lost and loath.

I hear the dark side of me,
Grow in my bones, and repeats overtime.

I give myself everything, everything wrong,
The thought,
How can I share this life with someone else?
But there you still believe in me, still wanting me.

I cannot give you what you want,
Because I'm too coward to believe I had lost everything,
You are not the reason,
Welcome to the dark side of me.

What if it's rain?

Are you happy? Are you really happy?

Frails.

Those flakes that come out from the sky, looks frail as your body,
Weak and fragile, as it re-appear in my dream,
I bet those vivid image will never go away,
As those haunts me every walk, everything that I've been through.

"You are a mess". I said.
"So do you". Annabelle said.

So let's clean our mess together with me. I whole-fully said.
She flips her hair. Smile.

I wake up.

Written Perennial.

Sometimes aku rasa, hidup ini lebih daripada apa yang kita lalui pada waktu ini. Kadang-kadang aku terfikir bila melihat kawan-kawan lama aku (atau yang pernah menjadi kawan) apa yang mereka lalui sekarang, selepas berkahwin, bekerja, mempunyai anak dan sebagainya,rasa macam tak percaya ini kehidupan mereka selepas mengenali mereka 5-6 tahun sebelumnya. Semuanya sudah berubah, lain daripada apa yang aku kenali dahulu. Maturity? Mungkin. Perubahan masa? Mungkin.

Not talking in the mean way, just in the curious way. Is this what they want in life? Mempunyai kerjaya tetap (tak dilupakan rutin harian yang diulang-kali), mempunyai anak,mempunyai keluarga, mempunyai aset dan tanggungan, mempunyai material dan sebagainya. Kadang-kadang bila aku melihat balik mereka dan membayangkan mereka 5-6 tahun lalu, rasa seperti tidak mungkin ini mereka. Rasa seperti they deserve something more, something better. Or not.

Aku masih teringat, ketika masih muda dan hijau, keinginan, semangat dan rasa yang dikongsi bersama. All the thought that we shared, all the stories and everything. Adakah mereka masih ingat apa yang mereka inginkan satu ketika dahulu? Adakah mereka tahu yang ini apa yang akan mereka lalui sekarang? Adakah mereka lupa semangat dan cita-cita keinginan mereka dahulu, bagaimana bijaknya, bagaimana gembiranya, bagaimana "free"-nya mereka dahulu. Do they realize how bright they were, and how they can achieve something bigger than now? 

Self reflection,aku beruntung,I was a lucky bastard.I lived someone else's dream. Aku mempunyai peluang untuk membuat segala apa yang aku impikan. Walaupon aku tidaklah pergi jauh mana. Tapi at least, aku berganjak dari takuk lama aku dahulu. Dari zaman kesusahan, dari lohong gelap aku merangkak mencari cahaya (metofora paling mudah untuk aku gunakan sekarang). Walaupon penuh kepayahan, namun aku dapat buat apa yang aku hendak buat. Walaupon masih mempunyai limitasi. Tapi ini bukan waktu untuk embrace apa-apa. 

Kadang-kadang betul kata sahabat rapat aku, hidup ini kena lebihkan syukur. Tetapi definasi bersyukur pada setiap orang itu berbeza. Mungkin apa yang kawan-kawan aku lalui sekarang itu apa yang mereka hendakkan,apa yang mereka bayangkan. Mungkin mereka bahagia hidup seperti itu,mungkin mereka happy dengan cara begitu. Siapa tahu?

Aku tidak tahu apa yang akan berlaku esok hari, dan hari-hari selepasnya. Aku masih aku, cuba menjadi lebih baik, dengan hati yang besar tapi betatih dan cuba untuk tidak mendongak tinggi. Semoga selamat. 

Intuition.

I can't wait to see the spring blooms again,
The sun, the shine, the light, the day,
The refreshment and joy it brings,
The warmth, the sundress, the smiles,

But until then, I have to juggle this winter,
No friends, no songs, no sundress, No sun, No light,
Just loneliness and boredom,
And more lies,

I owed myself a travelling of soul searching.

Konkrit.

Keluar semua kemarahan, simpan jauh dari kota sesak penuh budaya,

Lukisan dan puisi tidak lagi bermakna tanpa kebenaran,

Aku tuliskan semua cerita, agar semua tidak dapat terjemahkan,

Komplikasi dan kebenaran tanpa definasi, kau tidak akan fahami.

Sekarang terlebih perkataan, dulu masih hijau,

Dulu tidak aku terlalu tersasar, seperti engkau sekarang,

Aku rasa hendak ludah, tapi engkau pura-pura,

Engkau bigmouth, macam semua tercipta atas jalan engkau.

Jikalau aku tidak mempunyai kawan, aku rela daripada bertuhankan duit dan ampuan,

Kau dan gerombolan kawanan ampuan kau, boleh hidup didalam dunia ciptaan kau,

Tidak aku, akan tetap mencari jalan kebenaran, dengan cara aku sendiri,

Jika tipis langit,disitulah aku berada, jika bergetar bumi, disitulah aku juga berada,

Kau bukanlah lawanan aku.

Kau bukan lawan aku.

Dirty Linen.

The blackout background for about 5 minutes,
You hold those pain, and let me blow it,
The candles, arranged perfectly in the desk,
The only thing I hear is my heart drum.

It's a great encore nevertheless,
The mass crowd talking, I hear only silence,
There is no wisdom left anymore,
I walk in guilt, shame and abuse.

I feel dirty, and you are so pure.